I want to call this post "Baby #3," but the truth is that I had a miscarriage in March. Really, this is my fourth pregnancy. And since I wholeheartedly believe that life starts at conception, I just feel weird calling this my "third" baby. It's been hard to let myself feel excited, to feel hopeful, to really rejoice over this new life still growing inside of me. Back in February, I took 8 pregnancy tests and we immediately called our families on the phone with the good news. When I miscarried, it was excruciating to break the news to family that I was, in fact, no longer pregnant. The pain and the disappointment in God were very real. When I had my first prenatal appointment and an ultrasound for this baby, I was reminded of those painful feelings as I had to answer the routine questions: "This is my fourth pregnancy...I have two children."
I found out just before Mother's Day that I was pregnant with this baby, and it was the sweetest gift to hold that sliver of hope that I might have another baby so soon. With each passing week, God is answering my prayers that this baby be strong and healthy. I've seen the flicker of a heartbeat in an 8-week ultrasound, and I heard the heartbeat again at my 12-week appointment.
And here I am, at 13 weeks, getting ready for this second trimester and gradually allowing myself to get more and more excited for this baby. Part of me is still worried, of course, but I'm trying to stay hopeful. When I see Aiden sweetly talking to our friend's 6-month-old and Emma kissing her newborn cousin's toes, I feel the joy that these two adorable kids will get to be big siblings, together, for a new baby.
Ultimately, God is faithful. He's not faithful because I'm pregnant again; he was when I was miscarrying. In the heartbreak and in the joy, he is faithful, he is there. And because of our loss, I have a renewed thankfulness for and awe of this little life growing inside me.
P.S. Do you know how hard it was to get kids to both look REMOTELY content during photos? Nicole Steiger worked miracles and somehow captured happy photos of our family, when Aiden and Emma took turns refusing to smile, running away, covering their faces, etc. 😂
Check out our announcements for my pregnancy with Aiden and with Emma. Suffice to say that these are our best photos yet (thanks to Nicole, of course!).
No comments