Aiden's only 6 months old and I'm already struggling with feeling guilty about not being the best mom I can be, that I don't measure up, that I'm messing this all up. Some of the older moms in my life have told me I'm such a chill first-time mom, as I don't demand my baby back from whoever's holding him as soon as he cries, as I laughingly try and brush the sand from his lips when he eats a fistful of it. I've really tried to give the appearance of being a laid back mom (without being negligent, DUHH). For the most part, I think I am. When the pediatrician asks how many times he nurses a day I'm like, "ummm I couldn't tell you. I feed him when he's hungry, which is like every few hours...I think?" (And he's gaining weight well, so clearly this method of feed-when-hungry-and-don't-count-number-of-daily-feedings is working.)
But there's another part of me that's not laid back, not laid back at all. When I prioritize something over him, I feel a horrible guilt, deep down. When I'm choosing to try and quickly finish something else [that COULD wait] while he cries next to me, I feel so guilty. How can I be a good friend, good wife, good Jesus-follower, good dinner-maker and dish-washer and vaccuumer, AND a good mom?
I feel so inadequate. I'll never measure up. I'll never be a perfect mom who soothes her baby the right number of times without making the child clingy. I'm just not good enough, in the mom department, but in every department, really.
And that's the point of my need for Jesus, right? That I am 100% inadequate. I will choose sin, I will feel like a failure. That's why I need Jesus; I need him to make me more like him. I need his grace in my life, washing over me and filling in all the crevices of doubt and fear and guilt with his nearly-unbearable mercy. feeling of inadequacy needs to drive me to his presence, refilling my cracked and brittle and sometimes overwhelmed heart with the reminders that when I am weak, he is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). That his mercy is new every morning (Lamentations 2:22-23). That his faithfulness is great. And just as he was faithful to the broken, sinful Israelites as he led them on the most roundabout tour of the desert before entering Canaan, he will be faithful to me on this winding journey of learning to be a godly mom, reliant wholly on Him.
Next Saturday I'll be sharing a much more lighthearted post--the update on Aiden at 6-ish months, and all the fun things he's learned to do since my post on Aiden at 3-ish months. Thanks for joining me for my "Mama Hood Saturday" thing, since I try and limit my motherhood-related posts to Saturdays (lest this space devolve into a 100% mommy blog where all I discuss are things like Huggies being a superior diaper to the poop-leaking Luvs.)